I have come to the knowledge
that something much like a monster
lurks behind the niceties of my civil facade.
It is hungry.
It feeds on my fears and false desires.
It longs to twist my hopes
like tattered shards of ragged cotton.
Its nourishment are the secrets I hold deep inside
–too deep to expose.
I am tormented day and night
by this dark churning inside my head.
This voracious animal hungers for my heart.
It wants to swallow me whole,
until it devours my very soul.
It nips away at my thoughts
until it convinces me that it holds the true reality.
It lies to me.
It tells me that I am in control.
It hums sick lullabies of disillusionment
into the gullible ears of my selfish ego.
It lies to me.
It says lust is the most important desire I have.
It is lust itself.
Its bottomless stomach churns with the bile of regret,
waiting to spew its most bitter, anguishing consequences
all over the beauty I hold most sacred.
All it wants of me is that slight, imperceivable nod of permission
somewhere deeper inside me than the eye of my mind can see.
It hardly waits for approval before it jumps in and takes over the ride.
For too long
–far, far too long–
I have given it its way.
I have let it take over deep inside.
I have surrendered,
almost to the point of letting myself believe it was God!
I have forgotten where it started from,
where it wants to take me,
and I have nibbled on the lie of self-gratification,
until I nearly believed it was good for me.
I play the fool much too easily,
when I auditioned for the part of the wise man.
I was cast to play the righteous man,
but spend so much time shadowing the wicked man
that I come close enough to being him,
even I don’t recognize myself.
Father, forgive me again.
Help me to win.
Send the monster back home.
Don’t let my spirit roam.
I am Christ’s workmanship.